This is  the first chapter of my fan-fic. I'm not very good at fan-fics, so it's probably awful... but here it is. The chapters for this are very long, sorry!

Skulduggery Pleasant fan-fic

Chapter 1

Skulduggery walked into a bar, Finbar at his heels and Valkyrie at his side.

“Did we have to bring him?” hissed Valkyrie quietly, gesturing at Finbar.

Skulduggery touched his collarbone and his façade flowed up over his face. He took his disguise off.

“He may not look like much, but he can certainly fight.” Skulduggery whispered back.

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow.

“Well, if a fight breaks out, we can hide behind him. The man we’re looking for may not come quietly, and we can use all the help we’ve got. Plus, his physic powers might help us sort through this lot.”

“Like last week?”

“Well, OK, he wasn’t so much help last week, but he did try.”

Valkyrie scowled, and was about to say something when Finbar started talking.

“Skul-man! Great to be invited along, man. Y’dunno how much it means t’me, y’know? It musta been ages since you last invited me on one of these things- years, right, man. Y’know? “

“You came with us when we were trying to find Tanith last week, Finbar.”

“Hmmm? Oh. Oh, right. I remember. You thought I could maybe do my psychic stuff, right, man? Sorry, man, I kinda failed on that, y’know, man, sorry. I could only see Darquess, doing her shadowy stuff.”

Valkyrie’s scowl became deeper.

“Are you trying to get a mono-brow?” Skulduggery asked her.

Finbar continued talking. “Did I tell you, man, Sharon sends her greetings. She really likes you, Skul-man. D’ya wanna come back after this and say hi?”

“I’ve never met her, Finbar.”

“Oh. Oh, yere, right. But, I should tell ya that she’s kinda stopped going to that cult with the kid- y’know, the really harmless one where they shave their heads an’ sacrifice their husbands every full moon, y’know, Skul-man? Anyway, she’s a bit, y’know, calmer, an-“

“When will he stop talking?” Valkyrie hissed to Skulduggery.

“They do pottery paintin’ an’ all that now, y’know, Skul-man, a much-“

“Never,” Skulduggery whispered back, “he once talked a whole colony of octopus people into swimming away from us.”

Valkyrie deliberately stepped on his foot.

“OW!” Skulduggery yelped.

“Skul-man? Anyway, it’s a much better activity for the kid, y’know, Sku-“

“OK, Finbar,” said Valkyrie loudly, “in this bar, somewhere, is a man who knows something about the resurrection and animation of an Ancient. Now, this is a mortal bar, so no questions about, or obviously referring to anything about Sorcerers. Or magic. Or Ancients. Or anything they shouldn’t know. Act casual. We need to split up and look.”

Finbar looked confused, but since his expression hadn’t changed from ‘confused’ since they found him at his home near Temple Bar in the early hours of the morning, Valkyrie decided to think nothing of it and press on.

“Skulduggery, you look in that corner.” She pointed to the nearest corner. “I’ll go look around the bar. Oh, Finbar, you look over there.”

She now pointed to a table where a clutter of very drunk men, with beer bellies and tattoos were sitting.

“Make normal conversation.” She continued. “Make some inconspicuous references to magic and see if anyone reacts. If they do, bring them outside.”

“I thought that I was the one who gave pep talks.” Skulduggery complained.

“You ruined that when we fought the Grotesquery. All you talked about was your hat.”

“And a very fine hat it is.” Said Skulduggery, giving his hat a little tap.

“OK. Moving on.” Valkyrie rolled her eyes. “Get going. And remember: be inconspicuous.”

               

                Skulduggery went up to a cluster of men who were watching the rugby on TV.

“Hi, gentlemen!” He coughed loudly, and muttered “ancients” under his breath.

“Hey, man.” One of the men muttered, his concentration fixed on the screen.

“You seen the rugby?” Another of the men said.

“Uh, no.” Skulduggery coughed again, muttering “sorcerers”.

“The Rugby League is on tonight. England are thrashing us. We don’t stand a chance.”

“Naw, we could turn it around.”

Ireland scored and all of the men cheered in appreciation.

“Told you!” Cheered the man who had been convinced of Ireland’s defeat just a few moments ago.

Skulduggery faked another coughing fit, muttering “elemental, adept, sanctuary, necromancy, faceless ones” Everyone watching the rugby turned and stared at him.

“Sorry!” Skulduggery said, and hurried outside before he could do any more damage.

                Finbar was a bit more subtle. He walked up to his drunken group.

“Who here is a sorcerer who knows how to revive the dug-up body of an Ancient?”

The men looked at each other. Looked back at Finbar. Swayed. Looked at each other. Looked back at Finbar.

“Uh?” One of them said.

“Ancient? Defeated the evil dark Gods? Anyone know about them? No? Never mind. I’m sure you’re great guys. Well, best be off!”

Finbar joined Skulduggery outside.

               

                Rolling her eyes at the pair of them, Valkyrie took a seat at the bar next to a group of teenagers and a solitary man. She summoned flame in her palm.

“This is my special torch.” She said loudly.

Everyone around the bar looked at her funnily.

“Do you want a drink?” Said the bartender.

“Oh, um, a coke please.”

She put her hand in her pocket to get some money out when her trousers caught fire, despite the fireproof material they were nominally made of.  She yelped and made water fall from the ceiling to douse the fire. Unfortunately, she misjudged it and everything got soaked. She stumbled with the force of the water, and put her hand (which still had flames in) on the wooden bar to steady herself. Despite the water on the bar, it still managed to catch alight. It a few seconds the whole bar was alight. The pub descended into complete chaos. The bartender, caught in a ring of fire, dived over the counter just as Skulduggery heard the commotion and summoned a tidal wave of water that swooshed through the pub. Valkyrie, sensing defeat, swum out of the pub that promptly collapsed behind her. The water swept all the remaining people in the pub away and down the nearest hill.

Drenched, but with her hair still smouldering, Valkyrie sunk to the ground, coughing up water.

“This is why I should give the pep talks.” Skulduggery complained.

All of a sudden a man shimmered up from nowhere, right in front of them.

“I am the man you seek.” He said.